therapeutic use of self

Today was a beautiful day at work. It wasn't my most fun day ever, or day when the most members came to my groups. But it was a day when I finally got to use my experience with suffering to relate to the members on a deeper level.

I created a quality of life group for the members because I am a firm believer that there is more to life than just showering and dressing. Our healthcare system discharges individuals from rehab after they reach those milestones. Those are important activities, no doubt, but they are by no means the indications of a high quality of life. My group addresses issues such as pain, sleep, relationships, meaningful leisure engagement, etc, which are topics not often addressed in the primary care system. Today we discussed pain.

The group is called Thrive! because my supervisor had made a comment that "its not just about surviving, but thriving." Well, today, while discussing pain, one of the members said, "You know, I don't want to just survive" and I said, "Right, you want to thrive. That's why this group is called that." And then talked about how I feel there is more to life than just the basics. And she just looked at me in surprised appreciation and said, "You get it."

Wow. That was just so impactful to me. It directly validated why I do what I do, and it meant so much to me that the members understand that I'm not just teaching stuff to hear my own voice, but that I'm saying it out of a place of understanding and concern.

And that understanding and concern probably comes a lot from my own experiences with pain. I often tried to console myself in the midst of my pain by saying "this will help me better relate to the people I work with", and today, I finally got to apply that. I shared my experiences with doctors who, unfortunately, didn't "get it", and with how hard living with pain can be. I think they appreciated that I could relate to them in this way. Honestly, I appreciate being understood by THEM. When I've had to wear my back brace, I've had members talk to me about my pain and their experiences with pain and what they have done to find relief. It has helped me not to feel so alone in my own pain.

Another experience of therapeutic use of self happened with a member I've been working one-on-one with. He struggles with depression and addiction and described the impulse to participate in addictive behavior. I related to him how I have experienced similar feelings with OCD and how I, too, have felt like my anxiety was going to keep increasing until I exploded. I then shared with him some of the advice I was given in therapy, and I realized as I was doing it how much I internalized what I learned in therapy. That was so awesome. A little over a year ago, I was skeptical about starting it, and now, I was truly believing in it enough to use it to help someone else. I'm not sure if it will help this man or not, but I think he feels comfortable sharing his struggles with me because he knows I understand him.

Everyone's experience with pain or other struggles is different, so I can never truly understand a person's experience. No one can. But feeling those feelings together is unifying, encouraging, and I believe, can make a real difference. I was able to feel grateful today for the suffering I have had to go through in my life, and that is something that I can only describe as a small miracle or blessing.

A humble leader and time with God

Two things especially stood out to me in today's readings. The first:
"he shall bring forth justice to the nations,
Not crying out, not shouting,
not making his voice heard in the street."

This depicts a quiet, humble leadership. It conjures up thoughts of loud evangelists screaming about repenting for our sins, or those people who stand outside of abortion clinics condemning the women who enter. In yesterday's entry, I wrote of how "a word to rouse the people" was appealing to me, and while this verse seems like it contradicts that one, I don't think it needs to. I think you can speak humbly and say things that inspire and encourage other people and rouse their spirits. Jesus did this. In all of the gospels, whenever he corrects a sinner, he speaks humbly and patiently, but honestly. And that brings me to the second part that stood out to me:

"You always have the poor with you, but you do not always have me."

Wow. Did Jesus just say that? Well, yes. He said it to Judas because he knew Judas' deceitful intentions, He wasn't saying that we shouldn't help the poor. However, I do think He was also calling to attention the fact that, without prayer, charitable works are lacking. We should always strive to help others, and I think atheists can be great people who love to help others, too. But a large part of being a Christian who helps others is to root all of our acts in a love for God. We come to love Him through getting to know Him in prayer. Therefore, spending time with Jesus is essential to serving others.
I think Jesus was definitely rebuking Judas for what he said, but I don't think it was in a "crying out shouting" kind of way. I think he was trying to express the importance of the Mary's actions and was probably frustrated by Judas' greed (and approaching betrayal). The Jesus in John's gospel seems more short-tempered than the Jesus depicted in some of the other gospels. Nonetheless, He is not angrily calling out Judas right there on the spot for being a greedy sinner. Instead, He corrects him by re-focusing on what is important, not on the mistake that was made. That's an amazing skill that I, for one, really need to practice. Gosh, we can learn so much about how to have better communication and relationships through Jesus' example.

Lord, thank You for Your amazing example of someone who lovingly calls us to something greater. Thank You for desiring time with us, and help us to desire that time, too, even when we are busy. Help us also to be humble leaders, as You were. Amen.

The Authentic Self

"The Lord GOD has given me
a well-trained tongue,
that I might know how to speak to the weary
a word that will rouse them."

When I read the readings for today, this phrase stood out to me. I think it's because this is something I really want. I like to believe that my energy and extraversion and desire for leadership is good for something, and that maybe my enthusiasm will be contagious.

I used to be really enthusiastic about seemingly everything. I was known for my bubbly nature; friends described me as the "happiest person ever". It was kinda fun. However, since coming to grad school, I feel like that bubbliness has slipped away. It comes out every now and then, and I don't doubt that people think I'm extraverted, but I feel like I've lost a little bit of that excitement.

This Lent, I have been trying to get back in touch with positivity, and I think I have definitely made some progress. However, I know I still let stress get me down, and I get so tired sometimes that I just don't have the energy to pour into anything, let alone to excite others.

And as I'm writing this, I'm thinking back to what Father Michael said to me in confession. He talked about Lazarus in the tomb, and how Jesus was calling out for him to Rise, and come out, and how God is saying that to me...for me to let my authentic self out. Since that day, I've been pondering, "Well, who IS my authentic self?" And I think this is it. That bubbly, positive, and enthusiastic girl is who I actually am, who I was created to be, and stress stifles it. It comes out when I'm doing something that God is calling me to, like working with the elderly. In those moments, I feel truly alive. And that is what indicates to me that that IS my authentic self. Because it comes out when I am following God's will.

I'm not going to fool myself. I can't ALWAYS be bursting with excitement about everything. That would seem really ingenuine, and that is not always appropriate. And it's okay for me to get tired sometimes. I just think this negativity and stress that I've been wearing is not me. So I'm going to strive to clear out the debris, climb out of the tomb, and let my true self shine, just as Jesus will shine in all his glory in a few days, on Easter.

I pray that God might rouse the weary in me, and help me to come alive with a renewed spirit of joy. Easter is a time of rebirth and new life - I pray that this might be a time of new life for all of us.

Some questions

"Jesus answered, "If I glorify myself, my glory is worth nothing;
but it is my Father who glorifies me,
of whom you say, 'He is our God.'"

Why do we glorify ourselves?
Why do we not seek God's affirmation?
What/who do we turn to instead?
How can we bring glory to God through our actions?

How does God speak to us?

So I know that not everyone who reads this is Catholic, but I had an amazing confession experience the other day, and I totally felt God's presence, so I wanted to write about it. After all, this blog isn't only about reflecting on scripture; it's about God's presence in general!

Basically, I went into confession, confessed my stuff, and the priest, whom I have seen in mass a few times but have otherwise never spoken to, was absolutely amazing! He did a full out spiritual advising session with me, and I felt like he knew me and my struggles so well! I could tell it was God working through Him, which is awesome, cause that's what the sacrament is all about! I mean, you can only tell so much from someone by their list of a few sins, and it wasn't like I said, "I murdered someone" and then he went on about hate in my soul or anything. He asked me insightful questions to help me get to the heart of WHY I do the things I do, and said that confession is about really looking at your soul and why you do the things you do, not just confessing them. I think that's really true and awesome. After all, if you know why you commit certain sins, you can try to prevent yourself from falling into them.

One thing he said was to look at how God is speaking to me. Today, I felt God speaking to me through a few different things that I have known for a while. So I thought I'd write about them. They are:

Beauty/nature
Creativity
Diversity/differences
Adventure

I will elaborate on these in a future entry. Right now, I am really tired, but I wanted to finally post this entry. God Bless!

Who's will is it anyway?

"I cannot do anything on my own;
I judge as I hear, and my judgment is just,
because I do not seek my own will
but the will of the one who sent me."

This is what Jesus says in the gospel of John. Do we have this kind of attitude? I think so many of us have an attitude of self-sufficiency. "I don't need help, I got it. I can handle it." There's nothing wrong with being responsible for your own share of work. I believe that we're called to fulfill our obligations. However, how about those things that we can't do alone? The things we shouldn't do alone? Such as planning our lives, making those big decisions about careers, marriage or religious life, where we're going to live. How about when we're weighed down with a million other things and we can't give ourselves completely to a task, and we really should ask for help with it...but pride gets in the way?

I have a hard time delegating to others because I'm afraid the work won't get done. So I think that's where the old testament reading comes in:
"But Zion said, "The LORD has forsaken me;
my Lord has forgotten me."
Can a mother forget her infant,
be without tenderness for the child of her womb?
Even should she forget,
I will never forget you."

We can trust God, because He won't fall through on us. He will never forget our needs or let us down.
So what does trusting God have to do with anything?

Well, the more we trust God, the more likely we are to do His will. To WANT His will. If we truly trusted that His will for us is better than our will for ourselves, and let go of our desire (need?) to control, we just might seek out His will a little more. Then we, too, can say, as Jesus said, "I do not seek my own will, but the will of the one who sent me." And this will lead us to the greatest happiness we can ever hope for.

Bring me to the water

Though I'm sure no one who has recently met me would believe it, I completed a half marathon 2 years ago. Sometimes, I have a hard time believing this. I enjoy(ed) running short distances, but I've never been a distance runner. My joints are not designed for it. But, the Brothers I was working for when I was an intern assured me that it would be a great way to bond with the girls, so I did it. And bond we did. At one moment, as we ran up a steep hill, I remember yelling to one of the girls, who was complaining, "Suck it up, Jesus died for you!!!!" She loves to repeat this story to everyone she can. But hey, it made an impact, right? =P

Anyway, the marathon. I was doing well; we were singing praise songs, having conversations, etc. Then, by mile 9 1/2, the pain started kicking in. I have had knee pain off and on throughout my life, and my knees were really beginning to hurt. But I kept going. I only had a few more miles to go!

By mile 10, I had to begin walking. I think I told my running partners at this point, "I can't do it." "Yes you can, it's just a few more miles."

So I mixed intermittent walking with running, and was doing okay...until about mile 11, when I knew that I would not be able to finish. My knees felt like they were ripping in half, and I was holding back my running buddies. "Guys, I can't do it. I can't." "Yes you can. We'll walk a little," was their response. So we did. I was still in pain as I walked, and I wanted so badly to finish. I had come this far. But at mile 12, I was nearly in tears. I was positive that I could not finish; my knees, my back, just would not hold up.

But my running buddies encouraged me, and I felt renewed. I needed to finish. I was WAY too close, and had put in way too much time training. So I walked most of mile 12, and by mile 13, I asked the girls to pray with me, so we sang praise songs loudly and kept going. I walked most of 13, but wanted to finish the race running. The girls knew I had nothing left, so they took my hands and I finished, with them dragging me through the finish line.

And then I got it. That's what the Christian life is life - racing to the finish line, but not alone. We have not done our job if we're not pulling our friends through with us, encouraging them along in the hard times. That's why the Brothers want people to do these crazy runs: They really do mimic the Christian life, during the training and then during the race. The discipline involved in training is like the discipline of prayer; but what really impacted me was the fact that when I thought I couldn't go any further, my running partners made sure that I finished.

And THAT is what I think our friend in today's reading (John 5:1-16) is missing. He's not like the man whose friends lowered him through the roof to be healed. He has no one to bring him to the water for healing. In fact, people step right over him to get to the water first.

We are called to run the good race. But we are called further to bring others to Heaven with us. So when we see our friends in need, it is our responsibility to bring them to the Lord so that they can receive healing, and ultimately, make it to Heaven. Of course, in this reading, the man encounters Jesus, who tells Him to get up. But imagine if the man's friends had just stepped in and taken him to the water. He wouldn't have had to wait for 38 years, that's for sure. And not everyone is open to finding/encountering Jesus, so we need to bring Jesus and BE Jesus to those people. (In a non-heretical way, of course.)

Though I'd never do it again, I'm so grateful I finished the half marathon. And it's all to the credit of my friends who encouraged me to keep going, who prayed with me, and pulled me through.