The Authentic Self

"The Lord GOD has given me
a well-trained tongue,
that I might know how to speak to the weary
a word that will rouse them."

When I read the readings for today, this phrase stood out to me. I think it's because this is something I really want. I like to believe that my energy and extraversion and desire for leadership is good for something, and that maybe my enthusiasm will be contagious.

I used to be really enthusiastic about seemingly everything. I was known for my bubbly nature; friends described me as the "happiest person ever". It was kinda fun. However, since coming to grad school, I feel like that bubbliness has slipped away. It comes out every now and then, and I don't doubt that people think I'm extraverted, but I feel like I've lost a little bit of that excitement.

This Lent, I have been trying to get back in touch with positivity, and I think I have definitely made some progress. However, I know I still let stress get me down, and I get so tired sometimes that I just don't have the energy to pour into anything, let alone to excite others.

And as I'm writing this, I'm thinking back to what Father Michael said to me in confession. He talked about Lazarus in the tomb, and how Jesus was calling out for him to Rise, and come out, and how God is saying that to me...for me to let my authentic self out. Since that day, I've been pondering, "Well, who IS my authentic self?" And I think this is it. That bubbly, positive, and enthusiastic girl is who I actually am, who I was created to be, and stress stifles it. It comes out when I'm doing something that God is calling me to, like working with the elderly. In those moments, I feel truly alive. And that is what indicates to me that that IS my authentic self. Because it comes out when I am following God's will.

I'm not going to fool myself. I can't ALWAYS be bursting with excitement about everything. That would seem really ingenuine, and that is not always appropriate. And it's okay for me to get tired sometimes. I just think this negativity and stress that I've been wearing is not me. So I'm going to strive to clear out the debris, climb out of the tomb, and let my true self shine, just as Jesus will shine in all his glory in a few days, on Easter.

I pray that God might rouse the weary in me, and help me to come alive with a renewed spirit of joy. Easter is a time of rebirth and new life - I pray that this might be a time of new life for all of us.