The Blessing of "The Friend-zone"

When I was in high school, I wrote an article for the school newspaper and a tri-county newspaper in South Jersey analyzing whether guys and girls could actually be friends. My argument at the time was that they could, under specific circumstances, which I outlined in the article. Generally, I contended, one person was always going to like the other person more - and who that person is could change over time for each relationship, as well.

10 years later, I still think that's true, to a degree. I also think, though, that people can come to a mutual understanding that they just aren't the right match and can truly appreciate each other as friends. (That is one of the central points made in my post about rejection.)

Unfortunately, we live in a world where there is a real attack on genuine and good friendships, especially between men and women. Often, there is an attitude that we deserve a relationship with someone because we have stood by that person in their sorrows, comforted them, and just been a positive person. However, that kind of self-centered and entitled attitude is really not demonstrative of friendship.




The comic above depicts the impure motivation behind both men AND women's efforts for friendship - and it doesn't HAVE to be sex. It does follow the mentality, though, that "Being nice = I deserve a relationship."

Then there's this other problem (pardon the language):


         
What's being illustrated here is a lack of communication and honesty about intentions. Again, this comic uses a male to display this point, and there is something to be said for the man taking the lead and initiating romantic interaction. However, BOTH parties need to be honest about what they are seeking - and they need to communicate that desire! Otherwise, we really don't have anyone to blame but ourselves.

"But Diane, I was REALLY making it obvious that I was interested in him/her."
Great. But unless you flat out said it, you didn't make it obvious enough. You know why it needs to be brought up by the person with the interest? Because they're the one interested! It is not the responsibility of the pursued to discern the intentions of their friend. In an ideal world, we would all be proactive, pick up on all social cues, and ask, "Hey, I noticed that you like to sit right next to me every time we go out, and you like to spend a lot of one on one time with me, does that mean you're interested?" Unfortunately, we don't. And it can be embarrassing to ask something so bold on the occasion that the other person ISN'T interested. I know that I am one of those girls that is just generally friendly toward other people, and I get really excited about new people, in particular. At times, my interest in people has been mistaken for romantic interest in a specific person. Knowing this, I have tried to be more aware of my actions so as to not cause any unnecessary confusion. That's probably a good rule of thumb for everyone, really. But because we fail to always do this, communicate!

And now, one of my favorite "friendzone" scenarios that has resulted from the amazingness of our broken culture:

Women tell men they just want to be friends, but still seek them out for emotional support (and sometimes physical). Men tell women they just want to be friends, but they still seek out a physical relationship.

The issue here is really the same issue I addressed in my last blog entry, about emotional and physical intimacy. When we disrespect ourselves and the importance of emotional or physical intimacy, we find ourselves in situations like the one above.

Alas, this entry is called "The blessing of the 'Friend-zone'". What I have shown in the above comics is definitely not a blessing - and that's because they are not accurate depictions of friendship. Platonic friendship with the opposite sex is possible in two mature, emotionally-stable adults, and it is an incredible blessing.

I have been "friend-zoned" for most of my life, really. I've had my share of boyfriends, but I've had a far greater share of boy    friends - and in many of whom, I have had romantic interest. There were times when I was positive my heart would absolutely crumble to pieces when I learned that they were not interested back. But my heart didn't crumble to pieces. Sure, I felt real emotional pain, especially at the rejection of it all - but then, I just referred to the points made in Handling Rejection Like a Christian, and guess what - instead of breaking, my heart GREW. It took time - a lot of it, in some cases, and to say I don't still feel a little bit of sadness looking back at those situations would be a lie. I am able to accept, though, that beautiful fruits have come out of each of those friendships because I pushed my pride aside and let them be what they were.

Conversely, I have been the on the other side of "friend-zoning" as well. Guys, it sucks. It really does. No one wants to tell someone that they don't share in their romantic feelings. It was perhaps in experiencing this perspective that I came to appreciate the other side of it (when I was being "friend-zoned") and allowed me to accept that friendship. It takes courage to tell someone your feelings, and it takes courage to tell someone that you don't feel the same way they do. Acknowledging the courage required by both parties is the first step in developing that healthy acceptance of the situation - and ultimately, in some situations, a beautiful friendship.

I am not posing that every situation of unrequited love has the potential to lead to friendship. I have a particular situation in my past where that was not the case. As a wise friend told me lately, we are called to love everyone, but that may look different from person to person. In the case from my past, the most loving thing I could do for this man was to completely cut ties with him.

In situations where friendship has been able to occur, I have experienced so much joy. Aside from the benefits of having people to do fun things with and being able to get the other gender's perspective on situations, I believe that these friendships are the contexts in which we prepare for our future relationship with our spouse. We learn healthy ways to interact with members of the other gender and we become efficient navigators of the differences in communication styles between men and women. In the best friendships with members of the opposite gender, we also experience the affirmation of being who we really are. This is probably because, when there is no expectation of potential romance, we feel free to be our genuine selves. One of my guy friends told me lately, "You're the funny, weird little sister I've always wanted!"; another friend and I share our peculiar obsession with dogs, and we feel totally free to say things like, "When I see cute dogs, I almost throw up" without any sense of judgment. Of course, we experience unconditional love in friendships with members of the same sense, too, but experiencing unconditional acceptance from someone of the opposite gender shows you what healthy interactions with members of the opposite sex are supposed to feel like in preparation for marriage. Even though you are probably not marrying that particular person, you have a benchmark against which to compare your future suitors: I will not marry anyone who treats me less than _____ does.

I think that sometimes, we only seek interactions with the opposite sex when we are seeking someone to date. I have found though, that seeking friendships with people who I did not have an intention in dating has actually opened my eyes to some incredible people in my life. I have learned a lot from these people, I am challenged by them, I am supported by them. And had I only been operating in a "dating" mindset, I might not have ever gotten to know them for whatever reasons. It is living in that very dating mentality that can prevent the growth of genuine friendships with our brothers and sisters in Christ. I know that to completely eliminate expectations of romantic possibility is probably impossible, but if we can reduce the expectations we place on members of the opposite sex, we can begin to enjoy the fruits that evolve out of encounters with Christ in each of these people. Maybe in some cases, it will lead to something more. In those where it doesn't, at least you've established a trusting, supportive friendship with someone who loves you enough to want God's will for your life. That's pretty much a win-win, really.

No "Blurred Lines" Here: The Relationship Between Respect and Intimacy

If you don't have respect for sexual intimacy, you won't have respect for emotional intimacy.

If you don't have a basic respect for women, you won't have respect for sexual intimacy.

And I would argue that the opposite is true, too – if you don't have respect for sexual intimacy, you won't have respect for women. Or men, really. I could go into a whole “Theology of the Body” lecture right now, but that's not the purpose of this post. I am not stating that everyone should adopt the sexual teachings of the Catholic Church. What I am saying is that the way we view the sexual act mirrors the way we view other people. Women are disproportionately targeted by our society's sexual ethics – constantly objectified by media, more often victims of rape and sexual assault than men, and let's be honest, everyday conversations often include derogatory female slurs - “bitch”, “whore”, “slut”, etc. We live in a society where it's practically acceptable to judge women based on their attire, their waist-size, and the way they dance.

It is precisely for this reason that Robin Thicke's “Blurred Lines” disturbed me so greatly when it became popular in 2013. I'll admit that I would find myself dancing along to the catchy beat, but I couldn't intellectually escape the theme of sexual dominance and oppression promoted in the song. Robin Thicke declared the song an anthem of “sexual liberation” for women, and a friend of mine argued with me that it was, indeed, liberating: “Women are entitled to express their sexuality, too. So [Thicke's] saying that the other guy that she was seeing wasn't letting her express that, he was trying to keep her 'domesticated'.”

Great. So she got away from one controlling/abusive situation...and into another?

The new man, the one narrating, if you will, is promising to liberate her, to allow her to express her sexuality...as long as she does exactly what he wants. Don't worry, it's exactly what she wants to do anyway. Because he tells her what she wants. He “know[s] she wants it” because of the way she's touching him. God forbid she just appreciates physical touch, or even really does feel a strong sexual attraction to him, but doesn't want to act on it right away? He is bound to bring that animal out of her whether she is ready or not. Otherwise, she is just SUCH a tease.

A further line of genuine female appreciation: “You the hottest bitch in this place.”

Yes, that is precisely the compliment I seek when I go out anywhere. Imagine the horror of being called “beautiful” or “pretty” or “an awesome woman”. Surely, I want no parts of that.

Okay, so why am I talking about Blurred Lines a year later?

Because Thicke's back with his women-oppressing ways, and perhaps the most horrifying aspect of it all is that he, like many men (and women) of our generation, has no idea he is doing it.

So Thicke and his wife, Paula Patton, separated – this is the same wife he claimed was “supportive” of his Blurred Lines music video, featuring entirely naked women, by the way. He has not been appearing to handle the break-up well, publicly making declarations of missing her and wanting her back, breaking down into tears onstage, etc. Poor guy, right? You kind of feel bad for him. And then he comes out with Paula, his new album, written exclusively about his break-up with his wife. And he releases a music video, “Get Her Back”, in which he includes snippets of text conversations that are, presumably, between him and his wife. (He also encourages pro-suicide behavior in this video, but that's another story.) We watched the physical intimacy dissipate right along with the “blurred lines” of his 2013 hit, and now we watch the destruction of any emotional intimacy in their relationship.

It is standard practice for songwriters to use former relationships as song material – Taylor Swift does it (illustrating her own pattern of unhealthy relationships, really), Billy Joel, one of my favorite artists, does it. But as transparent as many of Swift's songs may be, she doesn't disclose the identity of the specific person who inspired the song. And Joel writes about the emotions he experienced as a result of the break-up, which is very different than writing an entire album detailing specific, very private instances, such as: "You were lying in bed (truth) / Said you took twenty pills (truth) / Now I'm calling the ambulance, police, I'm freakin' out till you said / Chill baby, I didn't really take them pills / I'm just desperately crying for help” from Thicke's “Black Tar Cloud”.

We have freedom of speech, and that includes the music and blog entries we write – but the point to be made is that Thicke is airing all of the “dirty laundry” of his failed marriage without checking in with the woman he claims he loves and can't live without. Again, he fails to show respect in even the most basic of ways.

TheAtlantic.com describes this point well:

“But its TMI sleaziness drags it into a new realm of oversharing; one in which Patton gets no say on whether her dirty laundry should be dragged out on tour (or whether her image and her name is projected on a screen to an audience of millions at the BET Awards). Paula isn't a humiliating public apology, or even a confession: It's an act of aggression akin to parking your car outside someone's house for days on end or taking out a billboard with their phone number on it. Thicke isn't just embarrassing his ex-wife on this record, he's violating her right to privacy, and to a quiet and unimpeded separation.”

But if you ask him why he wrote this record, he will tell you it's because he loves her, misses her, and wants her back. And he might. But his way of conveying those real emotions is as misguided as stating that “Blurred Lines” is about sexual liberation. His lack of self-awareness is the real issue. He lacks the understanding that his thoughts and actions are profoundly disrespectful – of women at large, of the privacy of his ex-wife, and really, of himself, as well. In fact, it could be argued that his disrespect of intimacy, sexual or emotional, is derivative of his own lack of self-respect.

Robin Thicke is just the tip of the iceberg. He is an example to illustrate the point that we live in a culture that embraces misogyny, that encourages entitlement to sex, and that disregards any type of emotional intimacy. Because physical intimacy is so disposal, emotional intimacy, if it ever existed in the first place, is just as easily dismissed. But for women, for whom sex is a particularly emotional experience*, that emotional intimacy is just as, if not more, important. What is a relationship without trust, after all?

Everyday, co-workers, friends, and family members make the same types of comments with regards to women and sex and do not even realize what they are actually saying. Women are guilty of doing this to other women, as well, and in some ways, that's even worse. We are setting a precedent that it is okay for other people to say disrespectful things about us because we say them about each other.

I think, what it all boils down to, is a triangle of respect. We cannot respect others if we do not respect ourselves. If we do not respect others, we will not be able to respect sex or emotional intimacy, and if we continue to exist in a pattern of sex without intimacy, we lose respect for ourselves. Each of those relationships works inversely, as well. We need to live our lives in a way that demonstrates respect for ourselves, our needs, and our desires (while respecting the needs and desires of others, of course), and that starts with actions as simple as conversations with our friends about these topics. Hopefully, with increased conversation about these issues, people may begin to develop awareness of their underlying attitudes of disrespect.

*Upon orgasm, women's brains release a chemical called oxytocin, which is often referred to as a “bonding” chemical that is also released during breastfeeding, to bond a mother with her child. Recent studies have found that oxytocin is also released in male brains, though not to the same extent.

Handling Rejection like a Christian

I remember a while ago, during my online dating days, I had begun chatting with a guy who I quickly realized was not the guy for me. He, however, had seemed quite taken with me despite the fact that we had only talked a few times online and had never met. Sensing his attachment, I quickly and honestly told him that I was not interested in pursuing anything romantic with him. His response, a barrage of questions and attempts to convince me of why my decision was wrong, ended with a comment along the lines of, "Well, good luck with all the horrible guys out there. When you decide you want a God-fearing man, I can't say I'll be available."

My thought was, "Wow, did I ever make the right decision." Because goodness, the way people handle rejection sure does reveal a LOT about their character.

Rejection occurs in all areas of life - school, career, relationships. I am facing a lot of career-related rejection right now, and it is certainly not fun or easy to handle it gracefully. Through this difficult season, however, I am realizing the importance of perspective and handling rejection as a true Christian. While the primary focus of this entry will be regarding romantic rejection, I'm sure what I say can be generalized to all areas of life.

I think the first, and most important part, of handling rejection gracefully is understanding that rarely, if ever, is it all about YOU. Entering into a relationship is about finding the right fit, having the right connection. Have you ever known someone who was absolutely breathtakingly attractive, really kind and intelligent, but you just didn't connect with them? Maybe not even on a friendship level? That's okay, and that's how life works. That said, when someone chooses not to enter into a relationship with you, it's not because of YOU - it's because the connection is just not right. Or, it's because of their needs - they need to be with someone with a different set of characteristics than those that you possess in the quantity that you possess them. Again, this is not to say that YOU don't have enough of something or are not good enough for that person - people just have unique sets of needs.

Here is an example. If I am looking for a pair of shoes for work, I'm going to want shoes that will provide support for long periods of time while standing, shoes that will look professional, and that will be durable. I might be attracted to the cute sandals that are on sale, but those are not meeting the criteria of needs that I have established. Those sandals, however cute they are, however perfect they may be for the beach or a day out on the town, are just not what I need in a work shoe. It is not that the sandals are insufficient in any way - they are just built for a different purpose. They are perfect for a different occasion, or maybe a different person - a person who doesn't have a slew of back, hip, and knee issues.

In the same way that the sandals were not right for me when looking for shoes for work, a person may just not be the right fit for the role of "potential spouse". And that's a blessing, because we really only need ONE potential spouse. How hard would our lives be if we connected perfectly with everyone we met. How would we decide who to marry?

Understanding the points described above are essential for handling rejection gracefully, because it is such an easy time to fall into temptation. We can begin to believe lies of the devil, like that we're not good enough, not pretty enough, not Christian enough - and those are absolute lies with the intent to pull us away from God's love. The minute we begin to think that we are undeserving of love is when we begin to prevent ourselves from receiving God's love and graces. We were created perfectly, and even though we always have room to grow in improving ourselves, we are always, inherently, enough.

Another temptation we can fall into is to attack the person rejecting us: "Well, clearly there is something wrong with them to not want me." Not only are these types of thoughts uncharitable toward our neighbor, but they are also an explosion of pride. In making these comments, we are stating that WE know what's best for that other person - better than they do and better than God does. Never mind that they have God-given free will and intellect to discern major life decisions.

Rejection hurts because it can be perceived as a direct attack on pride. But pride isn't always a good thing. Responding in humility, with understanding that we do not have all of the answers, and accepting and embracing God's plan for our lives, is so much more virtuous than having pride.

So this brings us to the most commonly uttered phrase of Christian people when something does not work out the way they want it to: "It wasn't part of God's plan." We don't get the job we want - "Well, I guess it just wasn't in God's plan." We don't get the date we want - "Must not be God's will". I challenge you to think about this - what if it IS God's will? What if that very rejection is part of God's plan for your life? Not that God wishes ill for any of us, or that he rejoices in our misfortunes, but God does allow unpleasant things to happen to us. People have free will, so it is not that God would "make" someone like you or not like you. But maybe God allows us to fall for the wrong people so that we can realize a lesson of some sort - areas of life we may need to work on, the types of qualities we are or are not attracted to in a person. Sometimes, the intended lesson is just growth in humility or a deeper trust in God. I have noticed in my own life that often God allows unfortunate circumstances to happen in order to bring me closer to Him. Maybe if that relationship had worked out, I wouldn't have turned back to God - I would have felt fulfilled by that relationship and continued living life my way.

Sometimes, romantic rejection occurs because God's plan for a specific person in our life is friendship with that person rather than romantic love. We might wish to make it something more, but often, it becomes clear that friendship is absolutely the best gift that person could provide to us. I will discuss that topic at greater length in my next post - The Blessing of the Friendzone.

I am by no means a pro at handling rejection. I do think, though, that when we stop seeking reasons for why things do not work out, we are in a better place to accept God's plan and move on. And isn't that really what being Christian is all about?

Saying yes, meaning yes.

Today's reading is such a clear-cut one, and yet, so poignant. Jesus tells us that we should not make oaths or vows, but instead, just let our “yes” mean “yes” and our “no” mean “no”. This got me thinking about vows and oaths and why they are something that exist in the first place. I began thinking of childhood.

When we are young, we have a tendency to tell far-fetched stories, right? (Maybe some of us never grow out of this tendency.) Sometimes, they are merely fantastical, shared for entertainment purposes. But sometimes, they're actually true. And to affirm the truth of your story, you'd say, “It's completely true, I swear!” Sometimes, our audience still would not believe us, so we would raise the ante: “I swear to God!” or “I swear on my life!!” This brings two questions to mind: 1) Why are we so desperate for others to believe us, and 2) Why are we so quick to distrust?

The answers to both of these questions can be answered by the same truth – we live in a non-committal, flip-floppy society. It used to be an honorable thing to say, “You have my word.” When someone said that, you believed them, because they meant it! Unfortunately, it seems that statement has lost value in our modern times, where even marriage promises are thrown by the wayside over 50% of the time. Okay, quite frankly, lack of follow-through is not a problem that exists only in our modern times – look at Judas Iscariot, for example. By our fallen nature, we have been susceptible to sins of dishonesty from the beginning. However, technology and the personal disconnect it has created for us make it a lot easier to fall into the “maybe” category on a Facebook invite page. And when you're not seeing the disappointment on someone's face, it's a lot easier to back out of an obligation via text message. It happens to the best of us – things come up. Some people even rationalize the “maybe” option with the hope that they won't be hurting anyone's feelings because they didn't say whether they would do something or not do it. But are we breaking plans more often than not? Are we holding on to “maybe” status in the hopes that something better might come along? Then we wonder why people don't believe us when we say we will do something, and we find ourselves back in our teenage years, making bold claims to justify our integrity.

For some of us, the root of the problem may seem like the complete opposite of non-commitment: overcommitment. I was definitely an “over-committer” for most of my life, because I just loved everything! Why wouldn't I want to be involved in Dance Club, Art Club, Morning Announcements, Key Club, be on the bowling team, be in the school play, and have a part-time job? Why would I want to miss out on any of that fun, or the awesome experiences I could have doing not one exciting thing, but three!?

And if you relate with what I just wrote, then I will tell you – over-committing is not the opposite of not committing. They are one in the same. We over-commit because we are afraid to commit to one thing for fear of missing out on something that could be better. We over-commit because we don't want to prioritize what is actually most important to us, and make that the thing we say “yes” to. We may look different than the people who always say “maybe” because we might always be saying “yes”. However, are we really saying “yes” when we are leaving one meeting early to run to another, only to arrive late? Are we really saying “yes” when we are not fully engaged in a coffee date with our friend because we are focused on the other 10 things we have to do after that half hour time slot?

The verse from scripture says two things: “Let your 'yes' mean 'yes'” – and by golly, do we “over-committers” love to say yes! - AND “Let your 'no' mean 'no'.” Sometimes, knowing our limits and when we need to say no can actually be one of the best gifts we can give to ourselves and others.

Above, I posed the question, “Why are we so distrusting of others?” I am quick to explain my tendency toward distrust with stories of betrayal and lies, but those hurts are not unique to my life. When I am really honest with myself, I wonder if maybe I don't trust others because I, too, flake out on people. Maybe I'm not really that trustworthy. I exist in the “maybe” category far too often. Or, worse, I don't respond at all.

And whether we want it to or not, we apply our human tendencies to God, because that is our only way of trying to understand Him. This translates to thinking that God is not worthy of our trust, either. I have lived so much of my life this way, thinking that I was better off keeping God at a little bit of a distance – I'd pray and I'd go to mass, but I would never fully give myself over to His plan. I'd be better off making things happen for myself, trusting my own self-knowledge and skills.

But guess what. Jesus tells us to stand firm in our yes and no because He is faithful in his yes and no. Jesus doesn't tell us to do things He himself didn't first do. We are called to IMITATE Christ – to follow His example of faithfulness. Jesus committed. He knew His plan on Earth, and even when He wished He could back out, He stuck with it until the end. He proved Himself worthy of our trust in accepting an undeserving death on a cross. And he further proved that faithfulness through fulfilling the promise of resurrection. Jesus, our God, made His “yes” mean “yes”, and continues to do so in His promises to us everyday. Let us feel encouraged to stand firm in our commitments, as well, with the assistance of the one who did it best.