I remember a while ago, during my online dating days, I had begun chatting with a guy who I quickly realized was not the guy for me. He, however, had seemed quite taken with me despite the fact that we had only talked a few times online and had never met. Sensing his attachment, I quickly and honestly told him that I was not interested in pursuing anything romantic with him. His response, a barrage of questions and attempts to convince me of why my decision was wrong, ended with a comment along the lines of, "Well, good luck with all the horrible guys out there. When you decide you want a God-fearing man, I can't say I'll be available."
My thought was, "Wow, did I ever make the right decision." Because goodness, the way people handle rejection sure does reveal a LOT about their character.
Rejection occurs in all areas of life - school, career, relationships. I am facing a lot of career-related rejection right now, and it is certainly not fun or easy to handle it gracefully. Through this difficult season, however, I am realizing the importance of perspective and handling rejection as a true Christian. While the primary focus of this entry will be regarding romantic rejection, I'm sure what I say can be generalized to all areas of life.
I think the first, and most important part, of handling rejection gracefully is understanding that rarely, if ever, is it all about YOU. Entering into a relationship is about finding the right fit, having the right connection. Have you ever known someone who was absolutely breathtakingly attractive, really kind and intelligent, but you just didn't connect with them? Maybe not even on a friendship level? That's okay, and that's how life works. That said, when someone chooses not to enter into a relationship with you, it's not because of YOU - it's because the connection is just not right. Or, it's because of their needs - they need to be with someone with a different set of characteristics than those that you possess in the quantity that you possess them. Again, this is not to say that YOU don't have enough of something or are not good enough for that person - people just have unique sets of needs.
Here is an example. If I am looking for a pair of shoes for work, I'm going to want shoes that will provide support for long periods of time while standing, shoes that will look professional, and that will be durable. I might be attracted to the cute sandals that are on sale, but those are not meeting the criteria of needs that I have established. Those sandals, however cute they are, however perfect they may be for the beach or a day out on the town, are just not what I need in a work shoe. It is not that the sandals are insufficient in any way - they are just built for a different purpose. They are perfect for a different occasion, or maybe a different person - a person who doesn't have a slew of back, hip, and knee issues.
In the same way that the sandals were not right for me when looking for shoes for work, a person may just not be the right fit for the role of "potential spouse". And that's a blessing, because we really only need ONE potential spouse. How hard would our lives be if we connected perfectly with everyone we met. How would we decide who to marry?
Understanding the points described above are essential for handling rejection gracefully, because it is such an easy time to fall into temptation. We can begin to believe lies of the devil, like that we're not good enough, not pretty enough, not Christian enough - and those are absolute lies with the intent to pull us away from God's love. The minute we begin to think that we are undeserving of love is when we begin to prevent ourselves from receiving God's love and graces. We were created perfectly, and even though we always have room to grow in improving ourselves, we are always, inherently, enough.
Another temptation we can fall into is to attack the person rejecting us: "Well, clearly there is something wrong with them to not want me." Not only are these types of thoughts uncharitable toward our neighbor, but they are also an explosion of pride. In making these comments, we are stating that WE know what's best for that other person - better than they do and better than God does. Never mind that they have God-given free will and intellect to discern major life decisions.
Rejection hurts because it can be perceived as a direct attack on pride. But pride isn't always a good thing. Responding in humility, with understanding that we do not have all of the answers, and accepting and embracing God's plan for our lives, is so much more virtuous than having pride.
So this brings us to the most commonly uttered phrase of Christian people when something does not work out the way they want it to: "It wasn't part of God's plan." We don't get the job we want - "Well, I guess it just wasn't in God's plan." We don't get the date we want - "Must not be God's will". I challenge you to think about this - what if it IS God's will? What if that very rejection is part of God's plan for your life? Not that God wishes ill for any of us, or that he rejoices in our misfortunes, but God does allow unpleasant things to happen to us. People have free will, so it is not that God would "make" someone like you or not like you. But maybe God allows us to fall for the wrong people so that we can realize a lesson of some sort - areas of life we may need to work on, the types of qualities we are or are not attracted to in a person. Sometimes, the intended lesson is just growth in humility or a deeper trust in God. I have noticed in my own life that often God allows unfortunate circumstances to happen in order to bring me closer to Him. Maybe if that relationship had worked out, I wouldn't have turned back to God - I would have felt fulfilled by that relationship and continued living life my way.
Sometimes, romantic rejection occurs because God's plan for a specific person in our life is friendship with that person rather than romantic love. We might wish to make it something more, but often, it becomes clear that friendship is absolutely the best gift that person could provide to us. I will discuss that topic at greater length in my next post - The Blessing of the Friendzone.
I am by no means a pro at handling rejection. I do think, though, that when we stop seeking reasons for why things do not work out, we are in a better place to accept God's plan and move on. And isn't that really what being Christian is all about?
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