If you don't have respect for sexual
intimacy, you won't have respect for emotional intimacy.
If you don't have a basic respect for
women, you won't have respect for sexual intimacy.
And I would argue that the opposite is
true, too – if you don't have respect for sexual intimacy, you
won't have respect for women. Or men, really. I could go into a whole
“Theology of the Body” lecture right now, but that's not the
purpose of this post. I am not stating that everyone should adopt the
sexual teachings of the Catholic Church. What I am saying is that the
way we view the sexual act mirrors the way we view other people.
Women are disproportionately targeted by our society's sexual ethics
– constantly objectified by media, more often victims of rape and
sexual assault than men, and let's be honest, everyday conversations
often include derogatory female slurs - “bitch”, “whore”,
“slut”, etc. We live in a society where it's practically
acceptable to judge women based on their attire, their waist-size,
and the way they dance.
It is precisely for this reason that
Robin Thicke's “Blurred Lines” disturbed me so greatly when it
became popular in 2013. I'll admit that I would find myself dancing
along to the catchy beat, but I couldn't intellectually escape the
theme of sexual dominance and oppression promoted in the song. Robin
Thicke declared the song an anthem of “sexual liberation” for
women, and a friend of mine argued with me that it was, indeed,
liberating: “Women are entitled to express their sexuality, too. So
[Thicke's] saying that the other guy that she was seeing wasn't
letting her express that, he was trying to keep her 'domesticated'.”
Great. So she got away from one
controlling/abusive situation...and into another?
The new man, the one narrating, if you
will, is promising to liberate her, to allow her to express her
sexuality...as long as she does exactly what he wants. Don't worry,
it's exactly what she wants to do anyway. Because he tells her
what she wants. He “know[s] she wants it” because of the way
she's touching him. God forbid she just appreciates physical touch,
or even really does feel a strong sexual attraction to him, but
doesn't want to act on it right away? He is bound to bring that
animal out of her whether she is ready or not. Otherwise, she is just
SUCH a tease.
A further line of genuine female
appreciation: “You the hottest bitch in this place.”
Yes, that is precisely the compliment I
seek when I go out anywhere. Imagine the horror of being called
“beautiful” or “pretty” or “an awesome woman”. Surely, I
want no parts of that.
Okay, so why am I talking about Blurred
Lines a year later?
Because Thicke's back with his
women-oppressing ways, and perhaps the most horrifying aspect of it
all is that he, like many men (and women) of our generation, has
no idea he is doing it.
So Thicke and his
wife, Paula Patton, separated – this is the same wife he claimed
was “supportive” of his Blurred Lines music video, featuring
entirely naked women, by the way. He has not been appearing to handle
the break-up well, publicly making declarations of missing her and
wanting her back, breaking down into tears onstage, etc. Poor guy,
right? You kind of feel bad for him. And then he comes out with
Paula, his new album, written exclusively about his break-up
with his wife. And he releases a music video, “Get Her Back”, in
which he includes snippets of text conversations that are,
presumably, between him and his wife. (He also encourages pro-suicide
behavior in this video, but that's another story.) We watched the
physical intimacy dissipate right along with the “blurred lines”
of his 2013 hit, and now we watch the destruction of any emotional
intimacy in their relationship.
It is
standard practice for songwriters to use former relationships as song
material – Taylor Swift does it (illustrating her own pattern of
unhealthy relationships, really), Billy Joel, one of my favorite
artists, does it. But as transparent as many of Swift's songs may be,
she doesn't disclose the identity of the specific person who inspired
the song. And Joel writes about the emotions he experienced as a
result of the break-up, which is very different than writing an
entire album detailing specific, very private instances, such as:
"You were lying in bed (truth) / Said you took twenty
pills (truth) / Now I'm calling the ambulance, police, I'm freakin'
out till you said / Chill baby, I didn't really take them pills / I'm
just desperately crying for help” from
Thicke's “Black Tar Cloud”.
We
have freedom of speech, and that includes the music and blog entries
we write – but the point to be made is that Thicke is airing all of
the “dirty laundry” of his failed marriage without
checking in with the woman he claims he loves and can't live without.
Again, he fails to show respect in even the most basic of ways.
TheAtlantic.com
describes this point well:
“But
its TMI sleaziness drags it into a new realm of oversharing; one in
which Patton gets no say on whether her dirty laundry should be
dragged out on tour (or whether her image and her name is projected
on a screen to an audience of millions at the BET Awards). Paula
isn't a humiliating public apology, or even a confession: It's an act
of aggression akin to parking your car outside someone's house for
days on end or taking out a billboard with their phone number on it.
Thicke isn't just embarrassing his ex-wife on this record, he's
violating her right to privacy, and to a quiet and unimpeded
separation.”
But if
you ask him why he wrote this record, he will tell you it's because
he loves her, misses her, and wants her back. And he might. But his
way of conveying those real emotions is as misguided as stating that
“Blurred Lines” is about sexual liberation. His lack of
self-awareness is the real issue. He lacks the understanding that his
thoughts and actions are profoundly disrespectful – of women at
large, of the privacy of his ex-wife, and really, of himself, as
well. In fact, it could be argued that his disrespect of intimacy,
sexual or emotional, is derivative of his own lack of self-respect.
Robin
Thicke is just the tip of the iceberg. He is an example to illustrate
the point that we live in a culture that embraces misogyny, that
encourages entitlement to sex, and that disregards any type of
emotional intimacy. Because physical intimacy is so disposal,
emotional intimacy, if it ever existed in the first place, is just as
easily dismissed. But for women, for whom sex is a particularly
emotional experience*, that emotional intimacy is just as, if not
more, important. What is a relationship without trust, after all?
Everyday,
co-workers, friends, and family members make the same types of
comments with regards to women and sex and do not even realize what
they are actually saying. Women are guilty of doing this to other
women, as well, and in some ways, that's even worse. We are setting a
precedent that it is okay for other people to say disrespectful
things about us because we say them about each other.
I
think, what it all boils down to, is a triangle of respect. We cannot
respect others if we do not respect ourselves. If we do not respect
others, we will not be able to respect sex or emotional intimacy, and
if we continue to exist in a pattern of sex without intimacy, we lose
respect for ourselves. Each of those relationships works inversely,
as well. We need to live our lives in a way that demonstrates respect for ourselves, our needs, and our desires (while respecting the needs and desires of others, of course), and that starts with actions as simple as conversations with our friends about these topics. Hopefully, with increased conversation about these issues, people may begin to develop awareness of their underlying attitudes of disrespect.
*Upon orgasm, women's brains release a
chemical called oxytocin, which is often referred to as a “bonding”
chemical that is also released during breastfeeding, to bond a mother
with her child. Recent studies have found that oxytocin is also
released in male brains, though not to the same extent.
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